The Irresistible Potions Master
by Serenthia
Summary: Severus Snape is supposed to be one ugly git. So what happens when Voldemort removes a charm and everyone sees Severus Snape as he really is?
1. The Evilness of the Dark Lord

Disclaimer: I must not admit that I own everything. I must be good and pretend Rowling owns it all. Must behave.

  
  


The Irresistible Potions Master

by: Serenthia

  
  


Severus Snape, all around evil and annoying git, was busily writing out his next year's lesson plans and trying to figure out which potions to assign so the annoying brats would fail and he could make nasty comments to them. That stupid Granger girl always did her potions right, though. He had been reduced to insulting her looks to get her upset. It just wasn't fair. There had to be some potion she would fail doing so he could humiliate her. He loved to humiliate his students. It was such fun. There was always Longbottom but that was getting old and Potter. No, he was going to have to leave Potter alone. Rats! Why did real-life have to interfere with his nefarious schemes for his students? That stupid Dark Lord shouldn't have been reborn. Now he was going to have a rival when he started to ascend to Dark Lordship. 

If that ever happened. Dumbledore was certainly making sure he didn't have any time left to himself to plan his eventual world domination. The crazy old man wouldn't even let him teach Defense Against the Dark Arts so he could delve even deeper into the Dark Arts. Dumbledore was such a goody-two-shoes sometimes. It made him long for the cold, high cackle, and sinister eyes of his... Snape slapped himself. 

"Bad, bad, bad," he repeated. "Must not think of him," but Snape nearly swooned anyway. How did the Dark Lord manage to look so.... evil?! Snape wanted to look that evil but all he had was a hooked nose, black eyes, yellow teeth, and greasy hair. People just commented on how bad his hygiene was instead of running away in absolute panic. Life wasn't fair. But it was better than it had been when he had been... Snape cringed in remembrance. 

"Must not think of that either," Snape said to himself and then blinked as his door was blasted inwards.

Four Death Eaters stood there, wearing their mask and robes, and Snape rolled his eyes.

"A bit dramatic aren't we? I would have been stupid enough to answer the door, you know," he grouched.

"But you might have reached for your wand," said the leader in Lucius Malfoy's voice. It was either him or someone using a charm to sound like him. One never knew and the Death Eaters had some strange voice fixations, like the one who always sounded like someone named Mickey Mouse.

Snape attempted to dive for his wand which was oddly out of his pocket where he always kept it but it was too late. Ropes bound him and a piece of cloth gagged him.

"The Dark Lord wants you," Lucius's voice said.

Snape sighed. He was dead. Rats. He wasn't going to get to enjoy torturing students anymore and there went his plans to rule the world. Unless. Of course. He would come back as a ghost, teach and continue to torture his students, while tutoring the vilest Slytherin he had to rule the world in his place. Perfect! He loved how brilliant he was.

Unfortunately the Dark Lord had other plans. Sinister plans. Plans that made Snape's hair stand on end. Plans that made him wish for the solace of death.

"You can't be serious," Snape gasped.

The Dark Lord gazed at him with those glorious and brilliant red eyes that made Snape feel like he was getting lost in the shining orbs.

"I'm always serious," the Dark Lord said, walking to his throne-like chair in the most sinister way possible and Snape felt jealous. He hadn't been able to achieve that sinister walk yet, he just ended up looking like a bat! It wasn't fair.

"I'll do anything if you don't do that!" Snape hissed.

The Dark Lord sneered down at him and Snape bit his lip. Oh! His own sneers were pathetic next to the Dark Lord's.

"You betrayed me," the Dark Lord said in his most dangerous voice and Snape winced upon hearing it. He was nothing compared to this glorious man! "And when people betray me, I make them pay. The charm," the Dark Lord said, as if bored, "is now lifted," and he waved his hand, which held his wand, and Snape, while he could feel nothing unusual, knew he was in trouble.

The Dark Lord was staring at him with utter disgust. "No wonder you used a charm to hide your real looks. Believe it or not, I feel for you. But I'm still sending you back to Hogwarts where the whole school will get to see Severus Snape as he really is."

Snape dug his hands into the hard stone beneath him and screamed for mercy. The Dark Lord showed no pity. He was so good at that! And that was Snape's lost conscious thought.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Pomfrey and Dumbledore

Disclaimer: I must not admit that I own everything. I must be good and pretend Rowling owns it all. Must behave.

  


The Irresistible Potions Master

by: Serenthia

  


Snape, groggy, opened his eyes and let the sunlight filter down on him. Sunlight? There was no sunlight down in his dungeons! He lifted his head and frowned. He was in the wretched hospital wing. A place he had spent countless hours in because of hexes and curses and broken bones he had endured from Black and his merry little gang. Okay, so most of those had been self-inflicted to get the annoying gits into trouble. And it had worked. Snape smirked at his own evilness and then frowned. The Dark Lord's smirks were better than his.

"How are you doing?" asked a strange voice.

Snape moved his head toward the speaker and frowned even deeper. Something was wrong. Something... Oh no! Madam Pomfrey was... she was... she was looking at him with those eyes! Those eyes that everyone had always used to look at him with. Those eyes that meant the person wanted to... to pinch his cheeks! Except, Snape didn't think it was his face cheeks Pomfrey wanted to pinch. Not with her licking her lips like she was.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Snape screamed.

"Oh," Pomfrey said, startled only slightly.

Snape sat up in his bed and bolted from it. Only to discover he was wearing nothing but black boxer shorts and he didn't own black boxer shorts.

"You! You!" he gasped, not liking how Pomfrey's eyes were glued to his body.

Cursed his working out to keep in shape so he could swoop around the castle with no effort and run as fast as he could from place to place so the students would fear him popping up everywhere.

"It was Dumbledore," Pomfrey said, disappointed, "he wouldn't even let me look."

"Argh!" Snape gasped and darted to the chair that held his black robe.

He yanked the robe over his head and Pomfrey wrinkled her nose.

"It's a shame to cover such a fine physique," she lamented.

Snape bared his teeth at her and she... swooned.

"Oh, you're such a bad boy," she giggled.

This was not happening. This was not happening. Pomfrey was supposed to bare her teeth back at him, make a snippy comment, and send him packing!

"Where is Dumbledore?" He asked, trying to control his breathing.

Pomfrey shrugged her shoulders and moved to stand near the door. "In his office. I'll take you there."

"I can find it myself, thank you," Snape spat and Pomfrey giggled again.

Walking by her proved to be a bad idea. She spanked him. Right on his butt.

"Firm," she said, wagging her eyebrows.

Snape glared at her which only made her eyebrows waggle even worse. Cursing the Dark Lord, Snape hurried out of the hospital wing. Luckily, with it being summer break, no one was here.

Dumbledore was not sympathetic to his plight.

"You're an odd duck," Dumbledore had said as Snape opened his door, prepared for some solacing words.

"What?" Snape asked.

Dumbledore stared at him and then shook his head. "Severus, you're highly attractive. Downright beautiful. So why the charade?"

"Look at me," Snape said, though Dumbledore hadn't ceased to look at him. "How am I supposed to take over the word with a mug like this?"

Dumbledore frowned. "I thought you had given up that little scheme?"

Snape shrugged, plopping down into a nearby chair. "I have for the most part. I can dream, can't I?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "Of course. Back to the point at hand."

Snape let his body go limp and sighed deeply. "When I was a child," he sniffed, "no matter how evil I acted, no matter how insulting, everyone just... just pinched my cheeks and told me I was soooo cuuuuute! Nothing worked. I wanted to be seen as evil so I put a charm on myself on the train to Hogwarts that first year to appear ugly and yes! It worked. Everyone hated and loathed me. My insults got me slapped, my sneers made me enemies, and my sarcasm got me detention. It was great! Until I had to go home for summer vacation and take the charm off! It was terrible! The pinches, the looks, the... cute clothes they tried to make me wear. But I disowned myself in seventh year and haven't been back home since. But now! This has been done to me. My life is over. People will be nice to me again and... they won't fear me anymore."

Dumbledore stared at him. And stared. And stared. "Hmmm. I seemed to have been mistaken about you. You are insane."

Snape snorted. "I've been telling you that for years."

"Well, yes," Dumbledore said, affronted, "but I thought you were joking with me."

Snape folded his arms and glared at the Headmaster. "I never joke. I'm always serious..." and then Snape's lip quivered and he buried his face into his hands. "I miss him! He could have taught me so much about being evil! But no! I had to do the good thing and join you."

"Voldemort is evil and I'm good," Dumbledore said, repeating a mantra he often repeated whenever Snape got depressed about not being with the Dark Lord anymore. "Voldemort is evil and I'm good."

"I know that," Snape spat and then sniffed. "I would never turn back to him and I'm glad I joined your side but you know... my emotions sometimes get the better of me."

Dumbledore nodded his head in understanding and handed Snape a clean handkerchief. "There, there, my little psychopathic potions Master. It'll be okay."

"You could be a little more sinister, you know," Snape said. "I'm sure you have it in you."

Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm a goody-two-shoes, Severus. So," Dumbledore said, waving a black piece of paper at him, "this is from Voldemort. The charm he broke can't be redone. You're stuck like this."

Snape had figured that. The Dark Lord never did half measures. "Argh!," he said. "He's trying to break my will. And it... might work!"

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair. "Severus, you're going to have to teach still," Snape cringed, "and we have a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix tonight. Everyone will be there, even Harry who is now staying with the Weasley's, the entire Weasley clan, Bill and Charlie are now living in England to help fight against Voldemort, and the old crowd. And you will have to come."

Snape would rather break his arm. Which he had done before to get Black detention. Maybe it would work.

"And no breaking your bones," Dumbledore interrupted his thoughts. 

Snape glared at Dumbledore. Everyone was going to see him. There went his teaching ability, there went his ability to scare his students or anyone for that matter, there went his fun!

"You're mean," Snape groused and folded his arms across his chest.

"I know," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling. "It will be fun to see everyone's reaction to you, my dear boy."

Snape glared at him. Life wasn't fair. But the Dark Lord wasn't going to win. Snape was going to prove to him that he could handle being attractive. The Dard Lord was just hoping Snape would crawl back to him on his hands and knees to get the charm back on him but he wasn't going to. Snape was stronger than that.

"You are one good looking man," Dumbledore said and then whistled. "If only I were a woman," he said, shaking his head. "And much younger," Dumbledore said and then began eyeing his books and Snape, to his horror, noticed Dumbledore was gazing at the shelf full of books on youth potions and sex changing potions.

Snape was in _so _much trouble. 


	3. The Order

Disclaimer: I must not admit that I own everything. I must be good and pretend Rowling owns it all. Must behave.

  


Author's Note: My dear children, I have not mentioned the way Snape looks on purpose. It has to do with the plot. And weeping and gnashing your teeth will not help you any. 

  


Second Author's Note: Snape, my dear friends, is psychotic. The way he acts in this story is simply based on the way he acted in the first three books. He was a tad out of character in the fourth book, however. Hardly anything he said made me crack up. Am I the only one that finds him hilarious? Him and Voldemort are the two funniest characters in the entire set of books. Bow to them!

The Irresistible Potions Master

by: Serenthia

  


Snape hated Dumbledore. That was all there was to it. The crazy old fool had decided that it would be CUTE if Snape wore a robe in a different color besides his usual black. Black was the essence. Black was good. And here he was, wearing a robe in a color that was not black. It didn't matter that it was so dark, it looked black, it wasn't black. Dumbledore was going to pay. 

Dumbledore rubbed his hands together and glanced at Snape with a satisfied look. "You have very pretty eyes," he said, trying, like he had been all day, to seduce Snape. 

"Say that again and I'll poison you," Snape spat.

Dumbledore chuckled. "Such a spit-fire."

Snape dug his fingers into his palms, trying to calm himself, while he and Dumbledore walked the remaining of the way to the Weasley's shack. His life was falling down around his ears. Even Dumbledore, the one person who knew how truly evil he was, was no longer taking him seriously. Before, when he had been nice and ugly, Dumbledore had glared at him when he got out of hand, which was good, and had even told him off occasionally when he really got out of hand, which was even better, but not anymore. Oh no! It was just a chuckle here, a chuckle there, and a pat on the head for being so cute when Snape tried to be sinister and evil! And the old fool was even trying to seduce him. People just didn't try to seduce Severus Snape! It was wrong. And nasty. 

They made it to the door and Dumbledore raised his hand to knock. "I warned them that you had undergone some facial changes due to Voldemort. They've promised to be kind."

"That's the problem!" Snape said. "I don't want them to be nice to me!" he whined. "I'm evil. People shouldn't be nice to evil people."

Dumbledore glanced at him and shook his head. "Are you sure you weren't dropped on your head as a baby?"

"Hah!" Snape said. "I was so cute that I was never allowed out of anyone's arms! I didn't even learn to walk until I was two because everyone kept carrying me everywhere. I finally had to take my diaper off when no one was looking and pee on the person carrying me around so she'd put me down and let me learn to walk! It worked. For a little while," Snape sighed.

Dumbledore made a sound in his throat and finally knocked on the door.

It was opened and Mad-Eye Moody stood there. Moody looked at him and Snape had to fight from looking away. Who cared if Moody guessed that he was secretly in love with the evilness of the Dark Lord. It wasn't like he was in love with the Dark Lord himself, just the aura of evilness that hung around him.

"Whose this?" Moody asked.

Dumbledore looked at Snape, his blue eyes twinkling like mad, and then at Moody. "This is Professor Snape," he said, loud enough for everyone in the entire house, even the ones upstairs, to hear.

Moody's eye whizzed around and he gaped at Snape. He moved aside and Dumbledore grabbed Snape's sleeve and jerked him inside. Everyone was staring at them.

Mrs. Weasley's face was flushed, Granger was slack-jawed, Black's eyes were popping, Lupin looked thunder-struck, Potter looked amazed, and Ron Weasley looked ticked (his eyes kept darting to the Granger girl), and everyone else's reaction were the same as theirs.

Snape scowled and stomped to an empty seat and threw himself into it. Except something had already been there. Snape jumped up. A hand was laying on his seat, looking innocent, something he didn't know hands could look like. He looked up to see the owner of the hand, old Mrs. Figg, smiling at him.

"I'm old, not dead," she said, eyeing him up and down.

"Pervert," Snape bit out.

"You don't know the half of it," Mrs. Figg agreed.

Potter choked, looking at Mrs. Figg like he had been doused in cold water. "You're.. you're a babysitter!"

Mrs. Figg blew Potter a kiss and then puckered her lips at Snape. "Just a quick one."

"Dumbledore!" he screeched.

"Everyone, leave Severus alone. He's had a traumatic day, as it is," Dumbledore said, and sat next to Snape.

Snape moved his chair closer to Dumbledore's, possibly a bad idea given the possessive glares Dumbledore was sending to everyone, and waited for the meeting to start.

All the females kept looking at Snape throughout and it didn't matter how meanly he looked at them, they wouldn't stop. Ron Weasley, however, looked ready to murder him and Potter just looked blank, though his eyes would occasionally travel to Mrs. Figg and he would then make sure his robe was covering his entire body. They were the only unaffected males, though. The rest either looked... interested, something Snape tried not to think about, or like they wanted to get all his secrets so they too, could become lady-killer's. Even Black was losing his loathe-filled stare.

"Sev, here..." Dumbledore started to say.

"IT'S SEVERUS!" Snape shrieked. "I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU PERMISSION TO SHORTEN MY NAME! I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU USING SEVERUS INSTEAD OF SNAPE!"

"There, there," Dumbledore soothed, patting Snape's leg. 

Snape jerked his leg away when Dumbledore's hand started to creep upwards. Perverts! He was surrounded my old perverts! 

"You certainly can scream," Mrs. Figg said, looking like she wanted to use the information for something.

Snape shot up, unable to handle this, and glared at everyone. Granger was drooling, the front of her robe completely soaked, Ron Weasley was red as a beet (smoke almost coming out of his ears he was so steamed), and Potter was staring at Mrs. Figg in absolute horror. While none of the adults present were drooling, though Mr. Weasley kept wiping Mrs. Weasley's chin, they were still staring at him with infatuation.

"I'M EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!," and he pulled up his sleeve to show them the Dark Mark. "SEE!"

"You poor baby!" Mrs. Weasley screeched. "That must have hurt so much to get it. Come here and let mommy make it all better for you."

The females were all tearing up and puckering their lips at them, the males were all sniffing sympathetically (except Ron Weasley and Harry Potter), and Dumbledore was getting annoyed.

"You better leave, Severus," Dumbledore said. "You can," he said, eyeing Snape's tall body, "go to Hogwarts and wait for me in my rooms."

"I don't think so," Snape spat.

Dumbledore eyes flashed merrily and Snape cringed. Great, Dumbledore thought he was playing hard to get.

"I'll... go... somewhere," Snape said, turned and ran for the door as fast as he could.

He made it without incident and rushed to a graveyard where everyone was too dead to care how attractive he was. How was he going to handle being a teacher? Well, adults were generally more forward than teenagers so he would just have to avoid all the adults at Hogwarts. Granger, Weasley, and Potter hadn't tried anything tonight so maybe he would be safe, though he was going to have to get Granger a bib. He dearly hoped he would be okay at Hogwarts.

  
  
  
  



	4. Poor Me

Disclaimer: Another one of these wretched things. I own everything, get over it Rowling.

  


Author's Note: I don't know if I can continue! Sorry this is soooooooo late but I couldn't finish it when I hoped because that wretched book came out! Sob. Sob. Sob. My poor baby! Now I all I feel like writing is nice angsty fics about my Snapiepoo. Dumbledore is evil, Dumbledore is evil, repeat it with me, Dumbledore is evil. How could he just let those evil, evil, evil, evil, evil Marauders treat Severus the way they did! I hate them all! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Severus needs someone to love him! And it's obvious the only one Dumbledore cares about is Harry. Oh, everything that Snape has done for the git doesn't matter, all he cares about is Potter. Potter this, Potter that. I hate Potter almost as much as I hate Dumbledore now! Sorry, but it bothered me too much to continue with this. Severus is too tragic a figure to write funny stories about anymore.

  


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The Irresistible Potions Master

By: Serenthia

  


Snape, having been hiding out in the graveyard until school started, quietly entered the Great Hall, the hood of his robe pulled down over his face, and took his usual seat. The meal, thankfully, was half over with. He glanced at the new Slytherins and smirked at how evil they looked. Perfect. Slytherin still wasn't going soft.

Dumbledore nodded at him and rose regally from his seat. He looked odd. Different. And Snape realized what the matter was. Dumbledore had been working out. His robes were just a bit tight around his chest and he had obscenely pulled up the sleeves to reveal his muscular forearms. So, the old man was still trying to seduce him. It wasn't going to work. 

"Professor Snape," Dumbledore said, waving a hand at Snape and taking the opportunity to roll up his entire sleeve so Snape would see his bulging bicep, "met with an unfortunate accident," Dumbledore said, licking his lips, "this summer and is, well, Severus, show them."

Snape glared at the old git and stood up. He shoved his hood back and glared around at everyone. The teachers were in shock. Flitwick's half-chewed food was dribbling back onto his robe, McGonagall was pinching herself, Hagrid was squinting, and Filch was….he was sneering. Good. At least one person was still normal. 

The students, however, were a lost cause. All, except for Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, had already begun to drool and some had even passed out. A few girls were giggling helplessly while some of the boys were flexing their muscles at him. Draco Malfoy, by far, was the most alarming. He was staring at Snape like he was…prey. The sneer on the boy's face could have done the Dark Lord proud. Perfect. Snape was being upped in sneering ability by a rich snob's son. Life was not fair.

Well, the Dark Lord would just hear how wonderfully Snape was dealing with being so attractive and realize his little scheme hadn't worked. Snape could do this.

By the next afternoon, Snape decided he would kill the Dark Lord with his bare hands. His only saving grace at the moment was that the current class contained Weasley and Potter. 

Draco wasn't doing his work. He was cooling leaning against his table and smoking. Or would have been smoking if Hogwarts allowed that kind of obscene Muggle practice. He had to make do and had charmed a stick to send off the occasional puff of smoke. 

Millicent was doing nothing but staring at him, her rather brutish face was rather okay looking when she looked dazed. Blaise hadn't stopped applying make-up since she had arrived and resembled a Muggle clown. Granger was stirring her watery potion with one hand and using the other hand to hold a rag to her mouth to catch her drool. How much drool could one person make? Longbottom, now he was disturbing Snape the most, was waving various food items at Snape and nodding his head while then eating them.

"You can't stop me," Longbottom taunted. "You don't scare me anymore. You… you… git."

"SHUT UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BOY," Snape screeched.

Longbottom giggled and stuffed an entire chocolate frog into his mouth. "Go," he swallowed, "drown yourself."

"Five points from Gryffindor," Snape threatened.

Longbottom licked his sticky fingers. "So? I'll just pretend some sweat I wiped off my brow is actually yours and McGonagall will give me five points if I let her touch my hand. She has the hots for you," Longbottom smirked. "You don't scare me anymore."

Snape, doing the only thing he could think of, threw himself onto the floor and started to scream. "I HATE YOU ALL. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

Laying on the floor admist such hormonal teenagers was not a good idea. Snape barely mananged to wrestle himself free, minus most of his clothes, and run out the door, his entire class screaming while they chased after him. Dumbledore. Dumbledore was going to have to save him.

Going to Dumbledore was a bad idea. A very bad idea. A very stupid bad idea. A very insanely stupid bad idea.

When Snape, only wearing boxer shorts (which he had the foresight to charm to be unremoveable and undamagable) stumbled into the Headmaster's liar, he gasped.

Dumbledore was wearing a lose fitting robe, opened at his chest (now sporting a snake entwined about a bumblebee with the words "Severus and Dumbledore" inscribed over it), with a rose clutched between his teeth. He was holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a lasso in the other one.

"You're early, my pet," Dumbledore said, throwing the champagne onto the huge bed Snape was trying to ignore, and circling the lasso over his head.

Snape just stood there, shocked and weary. He could not go on like this. Maybe Longbottom was right and he should just drown himself. He was bad. He was evil. No one was supposed to try to seduce him. No one. Well, maybe the Dark Lord, but that was beside the point.

Desperate, Snape tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. Giving up, Snape curled into a ball and started to rock back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, trying to block out the sound of a whistling lasso as Dumbledore whirled it over his head.

Author's Note: Dumbledore is an evil git. I want to continue this fic but I don't know if I can. I burst into dramatic tears every time I think of Severus and have already started a nice angsty fic that I will post under another name. My poor baby. My poor ickle baby! And yes, I know that I just repeated what I said in the other author's note but I'm falling apart here! Someone explain to me how Dumbledore is supposed to be good when he allowed a student to be violently victimized and, since Dumbledore let Sirius get away with attempted murder, it wasn't because Dumbledore didn't know. He just didn't care and he's evil and I hate him! Huggles her Sevvie that she stole from Rowling's universe.


End file.
